He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
