I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
