you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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