I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
