now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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