The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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