I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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