I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
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let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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