just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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