She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
