That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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