my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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