I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
3pm strippers are depressing
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
