There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Send help, water and tortillas.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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