Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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