We're facebook friends in real life
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Houston, we have a squirter
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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