I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
