I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
