it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
