Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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