last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
