Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
