I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
