Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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