I can text with my tongue
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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