I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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