maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
