My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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