You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
