Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
