my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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