Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
