No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
