My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
