Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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