ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
