i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
