I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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