We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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