after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
