So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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