i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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