when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
