just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
