omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
operation have a gay friend backfired
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
