shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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