and she was petting her beer can
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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