It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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