I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
