We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
