If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
