final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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