I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
