To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
