Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I could make wine with my vomit
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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