his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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