I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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