Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I faked an abortion last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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