I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
